Every moment and every event of every man's life on earth plants something in his soul. - Thomas Merton
Lazarus had it easy.
Everyone rejoiced at the miracle of his return.
Everybody would have known about it.
I am sure, although deeply changed by his resurrection,
He went back to his old life
His old ways.
Me? Not so.
Don't get me wrong.
Nothing crashed and burned on my return home following the MROP.
I was glad to come back to my family.
I had missed them
And they missed me.
I had come back changed.
But the changes were deep inside.
Unnoticeable but profound.
I was tired yet invigorated.
I feigned exhaustion
but truly I had come home simply quiet.
There was so much to process from that experience.
There were no words.
Simply no words.
My home life surrounded me.
I participated as I usually do.
But inside I was still.
Like rain on sandstone
The events slowly sank and were absorbed and trickled deeper and deeper within me.
I really couldn't say what they were.
They had no name.
All I knew was -
They were real.
A week later I met with a friend who had been on the MROP with me.
We spoke very little about it.
But strangely,
when our eyes connected,
we began to laugh.
Just laugh.
It sounds odd.
It was.
But we laughed.
What was that?
He had been through a similar transformation.
He also had no words.
So in pure fellowship,
we laughed together.
Years later I saw what it was.
Like an innocent child not knowing the world it has been born into.
Spontaneously breaks into gleeful laughter.
For the child it is natural and deep and innocent and flowing.
For us, my friend and I, it was pure joy.
Real joy.
Coming out in the expression of laughter.
An honest and simplistic response.
It was clean and it was free.
I had forgotten what that could be like.
And I now had it back.
It's funny how these things happen.
We laughed because we were free.
Oh, how I enjoyed that.
The changes were in many forms.
There were the immediate and obvious transformations.
I felt better about myself.
I seemed settled.
I began to enjoy my life.
I was more aware of others.
I slept incredibly well.
I was slow to react and quick to love.
I was thankful and showed respect.
I was even a more courteous driver - THAT one threw me!
It was all so unexpected and spontaneous and good.
I was becoming a more decent person.
Inside.
In my hidden man.
I saw the changes reaching deep.
I was a 'beloved Son of God'.
I knew who I was.
I was happy to be me.
I began to listen.
I felt connected.
I knew it was not about me.
I was sitting still.
I went outdoors.
I could see the sky.
In living,
I knew that there was a lot of work still to do.
The changes were also only beginnings.
I was not a 'new' man
but a broken man.
A broken man who is loved.
And I could see things developing within
that were truly gifts from God.
I felt compassion
I saw people's hearts
I sat in silence before my God
I became angry at injustice
and intolerance of ambition
I felt the need to give and was so grateful to receive.
I sought out the lonely and the hopeless
and I valued the lost and the unloved.
Aware of my own mistakes, I judged less and embraced the sinner.
As the days, weeks and years flowed by,
I could see the changes move me away from the world
and into life.
I was alive.
These things I know
As an initiated man.
I am broken and I am healed
I am limited and I am unlimited
I am connected and I am alone
I am nobody and I am God's son.
I am whole and I am imperfect.
My existence is a paradox.
At times it doesn't seem fair.
It surely doesn't make sense.
My ego often craves what my spirit rejects.
It is a constant fight within.
Some days one or the other surfaces
to influence my mind and thoughts and actions.
It is not a battle.
It is a co-existence.
It is being fully human.
Being 'not of this world' and fully present in the world.
It is theologically rich and it is simplistically pure.
So here I am today.
it has been many years since I took those first steps
on the journey called the Men's Rites Of Passage.
I guess I look the same - albeit a little older, a little greyer.
I haven't changed jobs or run off to a monastery.
I still have the usual issues with life as we all do.
When you see me - I hope I will look you in the eye and say hello.
I am sure to give you a warm and honest hug.
I am a man.
No better no worse.
but I am more.
I am now not lost.
I am connected.
I am open to your heart.
I make mistakes.
I feel.
I sit.
And most of all
I hear you.
For further reading on MROP, check out Richard Fay's blog here
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