I knew things were going to change.
Big Time!
I was the same man,
but my life was now different.
I found myself on the cusp of beginning on a whole new journey,
both inside and out.
This new inner journey
I embraced with joy.
I knew within myself what had happened to me.
I knew the rightness of it all.
I came back a changed man.
Now here's the rub.
I returned home,
newly initiated,
to my old life.
to my old household,
to my kids and job and duties.
And most definitely,
to my wife and marriage.
My wife.
Hmm, they didn't really cover that one at the end of MROP.
So here I was.
Tired and weary.
Excited and settled.
Returning home.
And as the door opened,
to welcome me back home,
a different me walked through.
I have to say,
I love my wife.
She has put up with me for many decades.
Stood by me in the rough and joyful times.
Supported me.
Defended me.
Hurt me.
Loved me.
Cried for me.
Cried because of me.
I chose to be her husband.
We are together.
It's been a long journey.
She encouraged me to go to MROP.
Like me, she didn't really know what it was going to be about.
But she saw I needed something,
anything,
and this invitation seemed like a solution.
She missed me while I was away.
It was a long time to be absent from the family,
and she was prepared for me to go,
to get things done.
And when I returned
she saw the immediate changes.
She sensed the difference.
She welcomed me home.
And I couldn't really explain anything about what had happened.
Ouch!
Initially, she gave me space and time to process it all.
Thank you.
But because of her investment in me as her husband,
she eventually needed to know the 'hows' and 'whys'.
I couldn't find the words to tell her.
It wasn't one thing.
It was just too hard to put into a rational sentence.
All I could say was
"It was good!".
She smiled and hugged me,
but I could see in her eyes she needed more.
I tried to explain what had happened.
I gave her enough to explain that I had changed and found some answers.
She seemed OK with that.
And life carried on.
But over the days, weeks, months after returning,
she seemed to need more from me than "It was good".
She saw some subtle differences in me,
mostly all positive and welcomed.
She was happy and relieved that I was at last moving forward.
She was glad to see the man she once knew returning back to her
in small ways.
Our relationship was going well.
And time enabled the deeper and far reaching work to continue
within my heart and spirit.
The old me sometimes surfaced.
But that was OK.
As my journey continued,
things began to become clearer for me.
Most notably,
the parts of our marriage
that were based on codependency.
At times surface things and feelings
began to move away from these shaky foundations.
The old childish me.
The selfish me.
The boy me.
I had spent years being these things in our relationship.
Now I was putting them aside.
I sought deeper and more meaningful things.
Some of my old ways that were not so bad
were now being left behind.
I exchanged brass for gold.
My wife saw these changes.
She rejoiced in the good ones,
and regretted the old ways I was leaving behind.
It wasn't easy for her in the least.
Inside, I had to work out who I was as a husband now.
How I can share and be one with my wife
when she had not experienced the rites herself and my new encounter with God.
She was still her old self.
The self I loved dearly.
But I was changing inside
and needed to make sense of our relationship as this new man.
That is not an simple thing to walk with.
It brought up a lot of grief and pain for both of us.
My view of the world was transforming,
and I began to see how I was leaving her behind.
We sought guidance for our relationship.
That was a good move.
But I had more work to do
that I wasn't aware of.
We were one in our marriage union,
but I needed to hold her hand as I walked this journey,
not merely leave her on the side observing me and my inner work.
She felt left out
and at times rejected by me,
worried about where I was going with all of this,
and angry that I couldn't articulate to her what I was going through.
She is a patient woman,
but I know I pushed her to her limits many many times.
I found I was grateful for the things I was changing into
and saddened that she did not understand me.
It's funny,
I naively thought MROP had made me better.
Crap.
It fixed nothing.
It only planted my feet firmly onto the soil of this world
and gave me an invitation to seek an authentic life with my Creator
and myself.
I had forgotten about my marriage and the role it must have in my life.
I had to come back to the basics and see my wife and my commitment to her in the right way.
She is part of my life.
She is part of my MROP journey.
She needed me to connect with her in the right way.
She needed me.
And I needed to see how to give her myself once again.
In the right and authentic way.
Not easy that one.
But essential.
Now I know what you're thinking.
How did I do it?
You will want to know,
but it isn't the right thing to tell you.
It is my personal and private journey.
My marriage and the glue that holds it together
is not your concern.
I will only say
there is no quick solution or formula.
It is your own task to seek out these answers for yourself.
It is your marriage/relationship
and you need to see it clearly
and build it together
with wisdom and grace and care and tenderness and love.
You need to grit your teeth,
hold your tongue,
give until it hurts,
receive what you do not want,
leave behind what you want to hold onto,
and most of all,
be connected to yourself
in order to present yourself as a gift
A gift to your beloved.
Marriage is no place to feed your ego.
But I will leave you with one piece of gold.
When words are failing to move things forward.
When the changes in you seem to stand between you
and your wife.
There is something you can say which may help to start the conversation over.
Thirteen simple words to give her:
"Tell me how can I love you the way you need me to?"
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